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The first thing that was clear to me as I began reading this story was that this is either something you hold close to your heart, or something which you've worked very hard to be able to convince readers like me that you hold close to your heart. Either way, that earns points with me for originality. Regardless of whether you've told a story about a girl living a life we're all fairly acquainted with or you've invented a half lion, half shark type creature that terrorizes the coastal village of sorcerers somewhere in eastern Africa, all originality means is that it originated from you. I have been led to believe that.

I love your technique when concerning both grammar and your methods of describing events. You have a wonderfully clean and direct sense of what is going on around your character. It is often difficult to judge the way a writer describes their characters surroundings. It is understandable for a reader to want to know as much as a film would provide them, but we also know as writers if they meet us half way with their own imaginations, they will create something in their own minds far more satisfying than we could ever provide for them. I did not enjoy the paragraph structure. Although it is a minor detail and has nothing to do with the story, it does affect how the reader perceives it.

How did this work impact me as the reader? Within the opening and what shortly followed, I could instantly feel a personal connection with the main character. We share remotely similar circumstances. I was her's to be enchanted by from the get-go. Her struggle was not for affirmation or attention. It was for some form of kinetic energy to burst through her life and tear away the mold that had been growing. In the end, she got off her ass and did it herself. Her triumph over her own pains and fears was a feeling I could hear the echos of. I quite enjoyed the sound.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.


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